What if?

Short story in progress. Maybe I'll never expand it, but I just had the urge to write it down. It's late, I can't sleep. I should try though, another week is ahead.

What if he never said anything? Most importantly, what if I didn't? We're all in control of our own destinies, our own decisions, right? If only it were that simple. Sometimes you make a decision without reason, without consideration, without thinking about the consequences. I couldn't stop him from saying it, that's just the way life works. What I could have done was take a moment and think about it. Why didn't I think about what the really meant? I'm not a spur of the moment person, that's just not me. I must admit, sometimes I wish I was. I wish I was the type of person that if I really had the urge to go to London and to Paris, and to Rome, that I would find a way to get that plane ticket and be gone in the next 24 hours. I want to be that adventurous, I want not to be afraid of what may happen--of the unknown. But let’s face it, I’m not that person. I’m that shy little girl in the back of the classroom, staring at the floor hoping the teacher wont pick on her for fear of being wrong. Then what happened that day? Let’s start at the beginning--lets start at hello.

“Hi”

“Hey”

Okay now that that’s settled. It was a special day--that day we made first contact. Not so much because we first talked, but because it was February 29th. It only comes around every four years so our society dubs it important--anything can happen day. Maybe if you believe that load of crap something special will happen to you that day, but any day can be special--be it February 29 or a Wednesday in August. After the first day, thinks changed slowly. They began to get more hectic, more stressful, more problematic. How could that be? Isn’t love supposed to make things better? Aren’t you supposed to be happy? But that’s brings on another important questions. What is love? Are you in love when you can’t think of anything else besides that other person? When you can’t live one day without hearing their voice or feeling their kiss?

To make a story a bit shorter--we met, we spent time together, we parted. Sometime in between is where I started this story. I don’t remember the exact date which means….actually I don’t really know what it means. In any regard, it started out much like any other day with him. Popcorn, movie, hugs and kisses. Then something new happened, something that I’ve never experienced before. That’s the moment I wish I could have back. That’s the moment I wish I could change. What would happen if I had thought about what I was really saying? Would we have ended the relationship then and there? Would he have been upset? Would I have been the one to say “Wait, no…this doesn’t feel right.”? I know it’s not healthy to have regrets, but I just wish I knew how different my life would have been if I just would have stopped and thought about my actions. Maybe I wouldn’t have met the person I was supposed to meet? Now there’s an idea. I’d like to think we would have met no matter what, but who really knows. You can’t live your life twice, which really sucks. Better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Well, with how things ended up I would have to say no, but then that wouldn’t be what I truly feel. I’m a hopeless romantic. That wont ever change.

He hurt me, that’s true. He made me follow his every word, and every action in a way in which I thought I was just being myself. Maybe he didn’t do it on purpose, maybe it’s just who he is. What I do know for sure is that he wasn’t for me. His way of thinking and mine--night and day. I should have seen it earlier, I should have left him alone, I should have done lots of things. The most important thing is what I shouldn’t have done. I shouldn’t have said “I love you, too.”