Friends and enemies

Second week of classes awaits. The promise of new friends and loathed enemies feels good. This night will make me a leader or a follower.

Round 2 of classes started yesterday. I was fearful but foolish. I'm also trying to take it slow because I know that soon it will get harder, and I won't have time to relax or sleep.

Tonight, however, I will embrace my free time and enjoy life. By some unimaginable chance I was invited to a party. I know that for you other college students out there this isn't a big deal, but for me--it's different. I wasn't a "whooohooo party!" kind of girl in high school, and even if I thought college would be different, I haven't changed--my surroundings have. I want to be the kind of girl who can juggle partying and getting As, but unfortunately my idea of fun is hanging out with my boyfriend, watching Cash Cab or SVU marathons--and in the end, praying for Cs. I miss the simple high school times where As fell from trees.

In any case, tonight, even though it's a Tuesday, we're going to be celebrating a person's birthday. This person is an acquaintance of my boyfriends who I've had in a couple classes but we don't know each other. It's going to be awkward and I'm going to be self conscious about my hair, my clothes, my stature, and everything else under the sun--but overall I'm excited.

Tomorrow is another day of reading and research, but tonight I'm hoping to enjoy myself. Hopefully we wont forget to bring Apples to Apples and Mike's Hard Lemonade to lighten the mood and break the ice. I was told other nerds from the physics department will be there--so hopefully we wont be alone.

Socially retarded you say? In some ways. I'm pretty good at disguising it, but underneath it all I'm a shy little ducky.

One of the reasons I'm anxious about this little get-together is for the fact that a certain someone might make her appearance there. This someone and I have issues to say the least. She hurt the one person I love in this world. She hurt him many times, and he's too good of a person to hate her, ignore her, betray her, or simply tell her she's a whore. She, on the other hand, doesn't care about people's feelings. She hurt him with no mercy, and he did not deserve it.


I however, don't really care for her since we don't have a history--so if she is there tonight, and she manages to be civil and start a conversation--I might just tell her what I think of her. I wanted to do this for a while now. I had an email played in my mind...but I never wrote it, or sent it for that matter. Somehow I thought it would be a waste of my time since she wont ever read it. Face-to-face sounds much better. If I get the balls--I'll be sure to share it with you.

As for right now, homework is done, time to eat and get ready.

Peace.

What if?

Short story in progress. Maybe I'll never expand it, but I just had the urge to write it down. It's late, I can't sleep. I should try though, another week is ahead.

What if he never said anything? Most importantly, what if I didn't? We're all in control of our own destinies, our own decisions, right? If only it were that simple. Sometimes you make a decision without reason, without consideration, without thinking about the consequences. I couldn't stop him from saying it, that's just the way life works. What I could have done was take a moment and think about it. Why didn't I think about what the really meant? I'm not a spur of the moment person, that's just not me. I must admit, sometimes I wish I was. I wish I was the type of person that if I really had the urge to go to London and to Paris, and to Rome, that I would find a way to get that plane ticket and be gone in the next 24 hours. I want to be that adventurous, I want not to be afraid of what may happen--of the unknown. But let’s face it, I’m not that person. I’m that shy little girl in the back of the classroom, staring at the floor hoping the teacher wont pick on her for fear of being wrong. Then what happened that day? Let’s start at the beginning--lets start at hello.

“Hi”

“Hey”

Okay now that that’s settled. It was a special day--that day we made first contact. Not so much because we first talked, but because it was February 29th. It only comes around every four years so our society dubs it important--anything can happen day. Maybe if you believe that load of crap something special will happen to you that day, but any day can be special--be it February 29 or a Wednesday in August. After the first day, thinks changed slowly. They began to get more hectic, more stressful, more problematic. How could that be? Isn’t love supposed to make things better? Aren’t you supposed to be happy? But that’s brings on another important questions. What is love? Are you in love when you can’t think of anything else besides that other person? When you can’t live one day without hearing their voice or feeling their kiss?

To make a story a bit shorter--we met, we spent time together, we parted. Sometime in between is where I started this story. I don’t remember the exact date which means….actually I don’t really know what it means. In any regard, it started out much like any other day with him. Popcorn, movie, hugs and kisses. Then something new happened, something that I’ve never experienced before. That’s the moment I wish I could have back. That’s the moment I wish I could change. What would happen if I had thought about what I was really saying? Would we have ended the relationship then and there? Would he have been upset? Would I have been the one to say “Wait, no…this doesn’t feel right.”? I know it’s not healthy to have regrets, but I just wish I knew how different my life would have been if I just would have stopped and thought about my actions. Maybe I wouldn’t have met the person I was supposed to meet? Now there’s an idea. I’d like to think we would have met no matter what, but who really knows. You can’t live your life twice, which really sucks. Better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all? Well, with how things ended up I would have to say no, but then that wouldn’t be what I truly feel. I’m a hopeless romantic. That wont ever change.

He hurt me, that’s true. He made me follow his every word, and every action in a way in which I thought I was just being myself. Maybe he didn’t do it on purpose, maybe it’s just who he is. What I do know for sure is that he wasn’t for me. His way of thinking and mine--night and day. I should have seen it earlier, I should have left him alone, I should have done lots of things. The most important thing is what I shouldn’t have done. I shouldn’t have said “I love you, too.”

Strange Dreams

One of many more to come strange dreams of mine. I might actually use these dreams as inspiration for stories. If I have the time to actually finish one, I will let you guys know.

What is up with these dreams I'm having? Am I watching too many crazy movies? Last night I had a dream that I was undercover and a bit shot for some government people. While in Europe people started shooting at me and trying to get me killed. It was nuts.

But the dream the night before...well that was is sort of reoccurring. I'm always trying to get away from someone who's trying to hurt me, but the people and environments always change. The thing that doesn't change is the fact that I have magical powers! I know I've been watching the Harry Potter series all winter break...but come on!

If some bad guy is about to attack me I just yell "Break!" or "Fire!" and they either drop dead or catch on fire. I can even say "light" so I can see through the dark. It's pretty cool when you think about it...but I'm always almost on the brink of death!

WTF is that about? I'm a meaningless college student who's just trying to graduate on time. Ugh...

More to come on these strange dreams after I dream them.